Presence of Beth
by koalatygirl
Summary: With Cosima in the hospital, Alison fights to cope with nearly losing her, bringing back memories of Beth.
1. Chapter 1

Alison had rushed to the hospital when Cosima's health had taken such a frightening dip that Delphine feared the Dyad lacked adequate treatment for her, and she feels not only obligated to show her support, but also emotionally invested in Cosima's condition, like she couldn't concentrate on anything else happening in her life without worrying about her. She shrank in her seat, heart falling in her stomach, as she starts admitting to herself that her relationship with these girls failed to be strictly business, like she so desperately wants them to be. God knows caring about Beth still makes her ache silently, like a hushed demon clawing at her from the inside, tearing her into pieces. But at the same time the demon protects her by throwing her into a cloud of numbness, trying to shield her from making the same mistake twice and caring too much. He hasn't failed her until today, when seeing Cosima's frail body, so pale and slick with sweat, caused the demon to hide away behind Alison's big heart, despite the hardships God keeps dealing her. Even sitting here, after just receiving news that Cosima would be healthy enough for discharge tomorrow, she still worries, and the thoughts of what could have happened makes her hands shake, so she folds them together tightly on her lap in attempt to hide it. It doesn't help much and Sarah reaches over to place a hand on Alison's balled fists without saying anything. But Alison doesn't feel any more relaxed. If anything, she starts to panic as vulnerable tears parade down her cheeks, making Sarah turn to face her and tell her "Cos is gonna be fine, yeah? The doctors said she'll be fine."

Alison slides her hands out from under Sarah's to wipe her face. "I know, I know." But now her frustration at herself for crying motivates her to stand up. She hates crying in front of Sarah, or anyone for that matter. It's like the tears weaken her, break her, reduce her to Suburban Alison: The Soccer Mom that needs a punk to be brave for her, a scientist to be smart for her, and a cop to protect her. And the demon emerges from the shadow of her heart as it constricts at the thought of Beth, causing her to leave Sarah in the waiting room, searching for a place to gather herself.

Her feet guide her to an empty restroom, where she suspends over the sink, arms keeping her from collapsing into it. A minute passes before she decides she can stand without the support of the sink. She flicks the faucet on and absorb the coolness of the chlorinated water in her fingertips. Fixing her gaze on her reflection, Alison inhales through her nose and focuses on the sound of the water as it fails to drain fast enough to keep from pooling at the bottom of the sink, making a calming symphony of constant splashes. Releasing the breath caught in her lungs, and still studying her face in the mirror, she lets the water's music take her away from the hospital and to some place where she is more than a lab rat. A place where she could raise her kids without fearing for their safety. A place where the roller coaster of Cosima's health finally rolled out to a stop, letting all of them get off the ride and breathe for once. And a place where Beth can find strength to walk away from the rails when the train approached the platform.

She wouldn't be crying in a hospital restroom. She'd be smiling. She'd smile at her reflection as she dissected her wardrobe, deciding what to wear to some community function, probably taking longer than she needed to, but that would be okay because her life would be relaxed and calm and enjoyable. She'd ask for Beth's opinion on whether she should wear this outfit or that, and Beth would struggle to choose the outfit that Alison actually wanted to wear. Then Alison would ask her to help with her necklace, and Beth would stand behind Alison, waiting for her to choose which necklace matched the best.

Alison can see Beth in mirror now, as if she really does stand behind her. She stares at the small smile on Beth's face, hardly noticeable, but Alison knows it's there. She refuses to turn away, or look anywhere else than the false reflection, afraid Beth will fade away if she does. Slowly, the imaginary Beth comes closer to Alison, until she can practically feel Beth's breath on the back of her neck; it gives her goosebumps, but she still watches the mirror. Beth's reflection lifts a hand to Alison's shoulder, and it hovers there for one uncertain moment, before the live, warm weight of Beth's gentle fingers fall onto Alison like bricks.


	2. Chapter 2

She can't move. She can't even breathe. She stands, frozen, staring at Beth in the mirror, eyes open wide, unable to do anything else than listen to the blood pulsing in her ears and feel the light pressure of that hand on her shoulder, making her knees weak and unreliable. She isn't sure she can keep standing. She won't let her mind wander, afraid to think. But even thinking about not thinking makes her clench her teeth at the words running through her head. _Impossible. Not real. Trick. Impostor. Another clone. Beth is dead. _

The fingers curl around her shoulder, the thumb catching the seam of her shirt as it runs back in forth in a calming pattern, attempting to comfort her, but still hesitant and unsure. She tries to fight the sense of familiarity in the touch of the other clone's soothing fingertips and strains to keep her thoughts from hoping the impossible. But she can't stop reminding herself of how little she actually knew about that incident when her friend had lost her courage to keep going. And how many times had she told Sarah how impossible it sounded to her? Too many times. And with that, the limits of hope she outlined for herself to protect her from the inevitable disappointment evaporate. Beth is alive. She repeats the thought over and over; she loves the way it feels tumbling through her mind, fitting into different scenarios and alternate realities that haven't existed in the time Beth had been gone.

"Alison?"

Her hand flies to her mouth, failing to hide the gasp that escapes. She turns to face Beth, slowly, finding her balance as she does so. Beth steps closer as she turns, hand falling off Alison's shoulder. "Alison, it's me." But Alison still remains frozen inside, unable to make movements of acknowledgment. The words Trick. Impostor. Another Clone restrain her from taking a step closer to Beth where the toes of their shoes would meet from the proximity.

Beth touches Alison's hand lying limply at her side. Her fingers brush over Alison's knuckles before she closes her hand over three of Alison's fingers, pulling her hand up to her own face. Unable to stop her if she wanted to, Alison feels the hardness of Beth's jawline as her hand is guided to the back of Beth's neck. "I promise, it's me," Beth whispers. Beth's straight, silky hair tickles Alison's knuckles before her fingers touch Beth's skin a little behind her ear. Beth leads her finger along a smooth line of tissue where her hairline melts into the skin on her neck.

_Her scar._ Alison slides her fingers over it, tip to tip, letting the reality of Beth, live and warm and real, replace everything she'd experienced recently, because Beth is alive, and maybe being subject to illegal experiments isn't the end of the world anymore, as long as Beth is alive. Her eyes gloss over with tears, fingers combing over Beth's smooth scar until she starts stroking the entirety of the back of Beth's neck over and over again, convincing herself of how real she is. Beth flicks Alison's hair off her shoulder before pulling Alison toward her. Alison wraps herself in Beth's arms, sighing with relief and sobbing into Beth's shoulder at the same time. Beth rubs her back, waiting for her to calm down. When Alison's sobs relax into sniffles and sharp, sporadic intakes of oxygen, Beth pulls away slightly, only making Alison grip her tighter. "Don't let go." The sound of Beth's hard swallow reaches her ears after feeling Beth nod and pull her closer, letting her chin fall on Alison's shoulder. Alison strokes Beth's hair a few times before running her fingers down the length of Beth's scar again, and catching her breath when she finds it there, still having a hard time believing it. Beth is alive. Cries break from her soft shudders and into audible gasps again. "I'm so sorry, Ali," Beth cries with her, pulling a hand up to cradle the back of Alison's head.

"I wanted to tell you. I-"

"I don't need an explanation." Having Beth here, alive, holding her, is enough for now. She closes her eyes and finally starts to relax a little, her muscles loosening their tight grip, but her arms still wrap around Beth, head still rests on her shoulder, fingers still trace the scar. Nothing makes sense. Everything she thought she knew breaks into foggy fragments. She should have questions for Beth, she should be angry at her for leaving, for letting her think she died, for not telling her that she hadn't. But she could only let relief flood over her. Now she could face whatever lies ahead. She could do it, because for once, not everything is going wrong. More than that, everything may be suddenly going right. Beth can help get everything back on track. She can help get answers for them. She can protect them. Everything is going to be okay.

Eyes reopening and reexamining her setting, Alison remembers the one pressing nightmare that not even Beth can fix. "Beth," Alison says softly from Beth's shoulder, "Cosima's sick."


	3. Chapter 3

The frosty air presses on Beth's skin like cool glass as she climbs into Alison's minivan. She shrivers while thinking of how it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Even though she struggled to clarify exactly how to come back into Alison's life, she knew this is far from the little plans she had. For starters, they would've been at Alison's house, not here, and definitely not now in the middle of Cosima's health crisis. She wanted to be gentle and quiet and soft and Alison's smile would make her forget about the past few weeks. She wouldn't have bombarded her in the hospital when she already had so much on her mind. But seeing Alison's minivan parked at the hospital drew her back inside as worry washed through her. She had to turn back. Ali could've been hurt, sick, or worse. And Beth and to know.

She had never run on quick impulses. She's careful, vigilant, and she thought everything through. It's what made Beth so good at her job. But it was a curse when she wasn't working. She thought too much. She'd think until her head ached from all the thoughts she wanted to forget and every unwelcome memory she couldn't help but relive over and over again. Sleeping became impossible without pharmaceutical help. She drowned herself, thinking too deeply and too vastly yet still struggling to stay afloat, wondering why she had to overanalyze everything every waking moment. Until she met Alison.

Her head stopped spinning too fast for her to see what lied in front of her. She could focus on something long enough to appreciate it. She could breathe and cry and smile and panic and laugh without thinking. She could be someone who didn't have to think. She could just be. She could relax and feel comfortable enough to share these things with Alison. Everything except how she felt when she wasn't with Alison. And how she felt when she was.

Buckling her seat belt, Beth looks at Ali. The lighting from the parking lot covers most of her face in shadows, but her eyes stay lit in a glow. She has stopped crying but her makeup dried unevenly on her eyelids and on her cheeks. Beth would look the same, had she any makeup to wear. Alison stares straight ahead through the windshield while saying, "We should've told Sarah and Cosima."

Beth puts the key into the ignition and the minivan purrs its response. "It's too risky. It's better to wait. Tell them when we know no one's watching." Eyes still focused forward, Alison nods. "Do you want me to leave you at home?" Driving Alison to her house and dropping her there is the last thing Beth wants, but it's all she can offer.

Alison's gaze shifts inside the car towards Beth's hand on the steering wheel, but Alison doesn't meet her eyes. She reaches to tuck any loose strands of hair behind her ear even though her tight pony tail hasn't let any escape all day. "Is that what you want?" Alison asks with that tight voice of hers as her chin juts forward slightly. Beth lets her hand slide off the steering wheel and watches Alison's eyes follow her hand to the shift, unsure of how to answer. Finally, Alison's line of vision lands on Beth's face. It makes Beth forget about Alison's question until she prompts her again. "Do you have somewhere to stay?"

She takes the bait carefully. "Well, I don't think it's smart to go back to my place," she tells her, putting the car in drive and keeping her foot on the brake. Beth stops there, unwilling to admit how she spent the last two nights on the cold concrete floors of unlocked garages, especially to Alison, whose job it is to worry about everyone. She imagines staying at Alison's house. Of the few times she's been there, Alison had been working in that craft room of hers, sewing patches onto one of the kids' worn jeans, coupon clipping, or making homemade birthday cards for her stockpile and drinking coffee when she caught a good place to break. Beth would stand next to the table, waiting for Alison to finish up her project. She wonders if that's how it might be. She could just watch Ali get worked up over how the ribbons dried crookedly, even though they looked perfect as Beth tried to tell her so and Ali wouldn't believe her, but it would make Beth smile. She wishes she could stay there. But Alison has a family who she shields from everything that goes on around them, which is why Beth's only been to Ali's house those few times.

"Sarah has a brother," Alison beings to offer as the thoughts of staying with Ali fade from Beth's imagination. "His name is Felix. You can stay with him, I'm sure. At least for tonight."

Beth drives the van as Alison directs her to a colorful part of downtown where the city streetlights of the night shine harsh enough to make the pavement and dark buildings look wet even though it hasn't rained in days. She follows Ali up the stairs to a loft down hallways littered with half-assed graffiti. Alison hardly gets the chance to knock before a skinny man with gelled black hair dressed in glitter slides the door open.

"Alison," he says with a sigh as he flings his head back. "I'm on my way out and I just talked to Sarah. She'll be staying with Cosima and keepin' an eye on the French Spy. I thought she was helping Cos, not making it worse. Stupid bitch."

Beth hangs back behind the door a bit, listening to Felix fill Ali in. She loses bits of the conversation, but likes the sound of someone staying there with Cosima, even if she doesn't really know Sarah at all. But from what she's gathered, Alison trusts her, and that's enough for Beth.

"Felix," Alison interrupts while grabbing Beth's arms and tugging on her sleeve. "I need you to house a friend for a night. Do you think you could…?" Alison trails off, pulling Beth closer to her, out from behind the door and into Felix's sight.

"Holy shite!" He gasps, reaching for Alison's hand and pulling the pair of them inside the loft, sliding the door shut behind him. "Who the hell is this?"

Beth stands uncomfortably in the open room, eyes jumping around from one art piece to another. With Alison's friend on the way out the door, she can't help but feel unwelcome, especially with the bitter way the question rolled off his tongue. She would rather sleep another cold night in a garage than have to keep standing here, feeling so troublesome to the stranger glancing over at her while waiting for Alison's explanation, but her clone's hand still clung to her arm, keeping her unmoving. She focuses on Ali's hand, anchoring her in this spot. She can only feel the pressure of Ali's grip as her thick coat prevents their skin from touching.

"Felix," Alison repeats steadily, regaining his attention as he lifts his eyes from Beth and back to his friend, much to Beth's relief. Ali turns toward her slightly, raising her hand from her wrist to touch Beth's cheek as she tells the artist "This is Elizabeth Childs." A smile whispers on Beth's lips at the feathery feel of Ali's fingertips, chilly from just coming inside, but still making her cheeks warm. Alison pulls away too soon as she turns back to Felix and her cheek burns even after the fingers disappear.

She bites the insides of her cheek as Felix's voice raises with questions and accusations while Alison tries to answer, though she lacks any real explanation. Beth turns back to the two of them, finding Felix's eyes on her as she does so and hoping the flushing in her cheeks isn't as overly obvious as it felt.

"How do you _know_ this isn't some other clone? She could be playing you. Workin' for Leekie or the Proletheans, God forbid. And you brought her _here?"_ Felix waves his arm around, gesturing at the loft and rolling his eyes back.

Beth puts her hands up defensively, ready to explain herself as best she could when Alison returns her hand to Beth's cheek and gently guides Beth to turn her head towards her while she explains, "Beth has a scar on her neck, right here." Her fingers glide over Beth's scar, barely touching the skin yet the thudding in her ears drown out Felix's response when Ali's fingertips follow the smooth tissue into her hair and tucks a few loose strands behind her ear after reaching the tip of the scar. She closes her eyes until her clone's fingers pull away, attempting to control the blush in her cheeks yet again which proves unhelpful since Ali's soft smile fills her vision when she deems herself ready to reopen her eyes. She can't help it. The smiling back and the blushing and the thudding in her ears and the desire to hold Ali and not let go make her throat thick and the words get caught there as she tries to contribute to the conversation to distract herself. But she's missed Alison so much and lets the words stay in her mouth as she gazes at Ali while she talks with Felix and she runs her hand down the length of Alison's ponytail several times. Alison smiles at her in return and continues to let Beth toy with her hair while listening to Felix tell her that he's anticipating his next clone painting, but he's already late for something that Beth doesn't catch because the tickles of Ali's hair twirling around her fingers completely absorb her. And then Felix is gone and there's not much left to distract her at all.


End file.
